Update once again.

To be honest, I had a really crummy week. It got better from Wednesday.

One of my friends was kind enough to pick me up after school (I didn't go because I wasn't in the mood). He took me to Teriyaki Ninja just to cheer me up, considering I wouldn't stop talking about it all week. We really just talked and let it all go. It was nice. Then I spent like 2-3 hours in the lab working on clubs, which then led to me being kicked out. It was just nice, having a really chill day.

Anyways, my mood continued to be kind of stressed and depressing throughout Thursday, but it got better from then onwards. I think being around the right people and reading 'No Excuses' really helped.

Just trying to accept who you are, and not caring about what others think. Why should you? You are you, and that is special in its own way. Plus, I realised I shouldn't hold grudges. I should learn to forgive myself and others so I don't waste any more energy on unnecessary thoughts. It's slowly been an eye opener at the end of this week. I'm definitely feeling a lot happier with my life. I'm trying to put the past behind me and live in the present.

That being said, got to catch up with Katie and Jason, which was awesome. Chik fil a (being Jason's fave place) was the agenda. Food tastes sooo much better when you're hungry.

It amazes me how much Katie and I get along. We have similar interests and we think on the same level. It's awesome. I enjoy and value her company. I see her in a new light. Kind of regret not talking in the first semester, but what's done is done. I suppose we can only move forward from here. It's nice, going to have a get together with Aarya, so it'll be a girl's lunch thing. Nice to catch up and have some girly talks once in awhile, considering how we're always surrounded by sooo much testosterone.

Also, I started up pole again! It was just amazing, being around a class and having someone critic and motivate you. Kiki is amazing. She's able to focus on 9 girls all at once. You cannot get away with anything when she's around. The conversation they have is hilarious. Especially how they keep knives and guns around their bed just for protection. I mean wtf... killing people with stilettos. All I can do is laugh because it's horrifyingly scary how excited they get about the conversations that are slightly morbid. Anyways, planning to go every weekend. Hopefully once I get a car, I'll be going 3-4 times a week for classes =)

After 3 days of rest, started up my practice. It was nice hitting the shots. My wrist doesn't have any more sharp pains like they use to. Just strained since I haven't used it in awhile. Need to build up my wrist strength.

Aside from this, I'm just feeling really sore today. I'm expecting this week to be awesome and a lot of fun =)

outlet.

I need an outlet. After talking to a good friend while Golfing today, (which by the way was one of my worst scores ever made in my time golfing in 2.5 years) I lay on my bed pondering with slight discomfort from my enzymes fighting my drunken state and the emptiness of my stomach from my previous dilemma. oh ibs, how you haunt me until this day.

listening to music comforts me. however, I still want to cry my heart out like a little girl and go out on an anger rampage which entitles breaking my clubs.

I can't believe I find solitude in my blog. I suppose because I have no friends, or maybe people are too far away. You got to admit, most people are way too focused in their cosplay and their lives. Don't blame them, considering I would be like them if I had a friend like me.

Heavily reconsidering me life in terms of the whys in life. its only been a month and I'm already sick of it. I'm sick of sucking at everything in life. why am I such a failure? I can't even do a simple thing right that it makes me sick. I'm struggling at doing one simple thing in my life. I know, I'm not good. I should just deal with it, but It's really not as simple as that.

maybe I just need some time off from it all. I've already decided to bail on school tomorrow. I just need to refresh myself... at times like this, I wish I had a car. I kind of want to get away from everything right now. get away from school. Get away from committee work. Get away from all the drama. The people around me. The golf. Even him. My mind has been spinning around and my focus is gone. even the most natural thing to me is gone. the strongest point in my game is now my weakest. I've already been feeling pretty shit in the last 2 months, but my confidence and self esteem has shattered. I'm at a point where I don't know where to go. I'm at a cross road where I contemplate about one thing or another.

what do I do?

I need an outlet. I miss having a sewing machine. I could switch my brain off whenever I was working on a project. when I was conversing with one of the upper class man, I realised how much I missed it all. I miss sewing so much. I miss making little things, modifying, altering and creating. I can't wait till we get more into club fitting. I can throw myself in there and possibly 'de-stress'.

but right now, I feel hopeless. I hate hearing the things I hear I'm my mind. I feel like I don't believe myself. I am my own worst enemy. I dont know who to talk to anymore.

why am I doing this to myself? easy question with an easy answer. however, a hard issue to have to deal with.

oh my god, I feel like I'm going in circles now.

nothing makes sense anymore. I just... need to stop hating myself so much. I hate being so negative, and yet that's what I'm good at most.

I'm tired. I'm over it. life has yet to show me the positives this year. I feel a repeat of last semester. wallowing in self pity.

I hate myself.
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Midorine

Author:Midorine
こんにちは、わたし は リンネです。

私が好きなもの: コスプレ, ボーイズラブ, コミック, ベーキング, ビデオゲーム, 漫画とアニメ, ソーイング, ゴルフ, ポールダンス.
私は好きではないもの: ピンク, 雨, 芝刈り機, 嫌な人.

私のブログを訪問していただきありがとうございます!

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