well... this is first...

I haven't seriously felt this way about a guy since 2006 when I met my future 4th boyfriend (who I was in love with).

Firstly, I thought it was a dream come true, as well as fate that we met. I chased him down, tried flirting with him and blah blah blah. We went out for 8 months until I cracked it and we broke up. I regretted ending it myself, because I was still in love with him 3 years down the road. Ever since then, I never really felt that way about anyone (except the case of my 5th, who was a complete nutcase).

It's weird... from the first moment I saw this guy, I thought he was amazing. That was just the extent of my feelings because he was a boyfriend of one of my good girl friends'. Until recently, I saw him again. I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent chatting with him, also to find out about the latest goss of him and my friend breaking it off. Suddenly, I felt this emotion like... there could be something. I constantly feel this pull with him (probably just me xDDD).

But knowing me, I don't think I'll pursue it anyways. Especially when I heard that my friend regrets breaking up with him and that wants to get back together again. I have a feeling I have no chance at all now. Like, she's an amazing person. Like, if I had just like half of what she had... omg, I would have guys flocking at my from both sides. She's incredible, smart, social, charismatic and well spoken. Also she looks like a halfie and is pretty. Dang! lol XD

I sort of sit here thinking... I'm socially awkward; very average to not so pretty looks; not great body type; weird personality; not very intelligent and well spoken. I'm just... an average person pretty much. For a better luck of the word... I'm a geek. Well, so is my friend, but she's still the complete package orz

I suppose I shouldn't doubt myself and people would tell me off about how insecure I am. But come on... I get the urgh! from the guys instead of the wolf whistling. I mean, I'm not hideous, but I'm not beautiful.

Oh shit! Now I'm moping about the stupidest thing OTL Doesn't help when your insides feel like they're burning OTL not drinking for another year or so.

Anyways... pretty much, I like this guy. I actually want to get closer... but I'm afraid to make the first move. I mean, what if I come off being stalkerish? What if what I thought we had was all just made up in my mind? I'm not as confident as I use to be back in 06. It's been 5 years and I find it hard to feel confident in myself.

I mean... how can you expect someone to like or love you, when you don't even love yourself? *sigh* I really wish I could change this bad personality of mine. GG


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こんにちは、わたし は リンネです。

私が好きなもの: コスプレ, ボーイズラブ, コミック, ベーキング, ビデオゲーム, 漫画とアニメ, ソーイング, ゴルフ, ポールダンス.
私は好きではないもの: ピンク, 雨, 芝刈り機, 嫌な人.


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