reflection of my life...

You know... I've learnt a lot in the 2 days that I've been wallowing in self pity in comparison to the 2 years I've spent doing so.
I've realised that I'm a very weak willed and emotional unstable individual. I can't handle my true nature because I'm ashamed of myself. I lash out to those I care for and end up reaping what I sow.

I've learnt in the last two days that I've not been angry at my parents for not allowing me the luxuries of one's life. I was mostly ashamed and angry at my pathetic nature and weaknesses.

I've caused my parents much pain and anxiety. Leaving them to their insecurities and fear as to what I'd become in the future...

Like all normal individuals, I want to enjoy my life as well as to work towards my goals. I want to see friends occasionally and to cosplay once in awhile.

Unfortunately, those are luxuries I cannot afford to do.

This weekend has been one hell of a weekend. Didn't play any golf and ended up crying a whole year's worth of tears. Other than looking like a puffer fish with swollen eyes, I've been very emotional unstable all weekend from fighting my mother.

First about cosplay... next night about seeing friends. I am not allowed to have these luxuries as I'm in no position to enjoy myself.

Of course, I blew up and had a go at mum. I was angry more than anything because everything I do always seem to disappoint my parents. Without even being able to go out to shoot nor see people, I had already disappointed them.

At first my anger was directed at them. Later I didn't care so much... cosplay was something that was hard to let go because I enjoy it so much... but if it hurts my parents... it's not worth doing.

Later, on my way to golf on Sunday... I broke down. Dad ended up taking me for a drive instead. We talked and I grew frustrated and upset at the only thing that I would be upset at... myself. I was angry at my mother first because she told me I had no right to enjoy myself and to go out and have fun. Telling me if I wanna see friends, I might as well quit golf and do that and cosplay.

I realised in the car that I wasn't frustrated at my parents... I was more frustrated at myself. My inability to focus on one thing. I want to be a normal person and I envy those around me. However, with everything my parents have given me, I feel like I've achieved nothing. It's not always about me.

Sure it's my life... but it's selfish to only think in that way when my parents work from 8:30am-1:30am 5 days a week + 12-9pm on Saturdays. I think my life is hard, but in comparison to what they're doing in order to support me and my sister, as well as to maintain our lives.... what I'm doing is really nothing.

I really do owe it to them. I'm not a patient person.... but I need to learn to be patient if I want to continue to strive to become a person whom my parents and I can be proud of.

I realised today while I was crying my heart out... I am very similar to Rei... she's a great person and I really admire her. I also too feel that without golf... I am nothing. It's true I haven't even achieved much in golf either... but that in itself is my biggest accomplishment. Soon it'll be a year that I've been playing golf. I've worked hard and that's all I've done. I've invested so much time and effort in this, that to back out of it now is not an option I can take.

No matter how often my mum tells me to quit and give up... I will continue to push forward.

Because at the end of the day... that's all I can do.

Life is hard, everyone knows that.

It's hard to give up on those things you enjoy. Of course, it's harder to give up when you're surrounded by the world you envy. I've deactivated all my accounts (facebook, deviantart, livejournal and twitter).

I'm hoping this will help me move on.

I'm hoping to still shoot with minami in the few weeks ahead because it's a character I've been dying to do. Either way, I need to see Christie to pick up my things so it works out in the end. I will still persuade my parents to me let me go and see Min during WCS. I will do the LD1 shoot before I leave. As selfish as I may be... I want to be able to keep my promises and do these last 3 things before I end up leaving.

If I'm allowed to do these things... I will try my best and forget about hanging out with friends and cosplay for the next 2-3 years.

I feel like I've regressed alot... I'm trying my best and taking little steps at a time.

Even though I've gone against my words many times. I hope I can continue to pick myself on and strive to continue onwards.
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Midorine

Author:Midorine
こんにちは、わたし は リンネです。

私が好きなもの: コスプレ, ボーイズラブ, コミック, ベーキング, ビデオゲーム, 漫画とアニメ, ソーイング, ゴルフ, ポールダンス.
私は好きではないもの: ピンク, 雨, 芝刈り機, 嫌な人.

私のブログを訪問していただきありがとうございます!

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